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Friday, March 28, 2014

rediscovering my hands and voice, an update.

          Self reflection is often a painful and unpleasant thing, even for those of us who are more then slightly acquainted with the insanity that is self awareness, and conscientious mindfulness. But without agency, or "hands" it's all just a bunch of stuff in your head.



Why am I saying something about self reflection & agency on my nearly abandoned quilt blog?
   Because it is through self reflection of the most unpleasant but productive kind I have come to all kinds of points on more than a few areas that had finally managed to get me so wrapped up I was unable to create or nurture ANY aspect of my life in a way that satisfied anything, leaving me feeling without hands or voice.

Even when things did go well, which to be honest started to become more of in spite of my efforts rather than because of them, I got less and less out of it.
   I don't just mean less joy, I mean less anything.
Only my curiosity, a drive to understand so I can protect myself, occasionally popped up to keep me involved, and the very deep fear/painful memories of being abandoned/left out, kept me moving forward in parts of my life someone reading this blog may be familiar with.

I, who anyone who has known me for long will tell you is passionate and curious, couldn't muster any enthusiasm for what I had/was working for, and everything I did manage to accomplish become another stress, another load to carry for reasons I did not understand.

I will not label the above because it is incredibly complicated and interconnected with a whole lot of other things that really I feel no need to share broadly, but whatever you're comfortable labeling it with your understanding of life and me is fine with me, the point is the same regardless of the "cause".

    No matter how many times I tried to get back to "me", or how hard I was on myself for not getting that abstract task done, things kept getting worse until I hit a point I've been to before.

This is a point we all hit occasionally- lucky hit it in a way and at a time when there is some kind of net to help with the fall and climb back up, unlucky hits the bottom head first on their own at a time when no one is helping them. I'm not lucky but neither am I fully unlucky.
I have hit bottom, violently, many times before, betrayed by every person who ever could/should have saved me, including me, in ways that most would/could never believe.
I am a survivor in so many connotations of the word, a survivor of more than any one person should have to ever expect or accept.
I have been beaten, silenced, violated, betrayed, intimidated, brutalized and convinced I am worth less then any who will choose not to give me what they in return demand, but the point I'm making is not about what I survived or what destroyed me, but that I survived.

The point is that, this time it was just a bit more complete in the destruction but like every other time chaos & hurt has hit I arrived at the point past triage. For me this is the time to make a choice.
 Choose to allow what was destroyed to die as total a death as possible for it, and if I choose this option what parts of me & mine will be destroyed with it and is it worth it?, or to build upon the ashes of what had come before and use what survived with me to build stronger.

  What to build is a question that comes after making the above decisions and I'm guessing you can figure out which I choose over and over and over again. I mean I'm writing this so it's somewhat self-evident.

This really is the only thing I feel I do know, that I can say and it be as true later as it is now- I survived, I will survive again, I will create, and I will no longer allow others to push me where I know I am not able to thrive, no matter how good their intentions.

     I cannot fix all that broke before or still waits to be broken around the corner, but to those who have been hurt, disappointed or angered by me, I'm so sorry.
I can tell you my intentions but you probably know them enough or you wouldn't have cared enough to feel strongly by my mess ups, or you don't know me enough to care what my intentions were and your anger/hurt is less caused by me & more triggered by my actions.
 Regardless, I fully & unequivocally apologize to you. Your feelings are fully valid regardless of how or why I or my actions became a part of them and I regret my own chaos injured you in anyway.

The question of what's next?

Well, first, I'm going to try to get myself balanced with my husband, daughter & those I call family, those of my heart who will fight as hard for me as I will for them.
 Then I will figure out what to do with those outside of that, not because outside means less, but without a stable foundation to rest on, anything I create now will be temporary/weak, and I believe in building to last and  that's what I'm going to do.
As I go, those and that which is toxic to me and mine will be removed from any sphere that allows their poison into my foundation, it is that simple for it is that necessary.

Instead of CaraQuilts, I'm going to take a detour as Creating Cara, let's see where and who that gets us.

One thing that I have rediscovered already is my voice, which has been silenced for far too long by chains placed on it by others but held there by me afterwards. And once you start breaking chains, each one becomes easier- this much I know, it's not easy, but easier each time, until one day it is automatic to break chains others place on us.

So thank you to those who have said this to me in countless ways small ways over my life, most will never know the great gift they gave to me, and to any who need to hear it, I say it to you.

I believe you can survive, I believe in you, that you have what it takes keep going & grow.



Choose to survive & you will find a way, this I know, but be ready with your own hands to reach out, be it to give or receive, for your hands are only yours, and I believe they can be strong enough for whatever you choose to do with them.




Monday, February 24, 2014

Fat Quarter Shop's Charm Pack Cherry in Mixed Bag!



 I was asked about 2 months ago to make up what would be a new free pattern from Fat Quarter Shop made from charm packs, of course I said yes as I am a precut addict.

 I was intrigued by the size of the quilt, charm pack patterns rarely make my 40+" minimum for usable quilts, and the Charm Pack Cherry is about 52-54" (I forget now, I did measure I swear! It is perfect for  using 58 or 60" backing fabrics. Just saying)

You can find all the goods, including a tutorial video with Kimberly all ovver FQS's social media, as well as what I'm thinking is going to be a fairly large parade of quilts (or bloggers who made the quilt) to give you lots and lots of ideas.





 Basically the pattern uses 4 charm packs, two prints and two solids (about 3yards), and you have 12 of each type of charm left over, these are great for adding a border or making a fun back, especially if you make a medallion or maybe something like flying geese or HSTs in an arrow shape, or even a super scrappy binding!

Because I was going to give mine to a baby, and I confess to disliking the hassel of pieced backs that have to be perfectly centered etc, I did back mine in Moda Snuggles.


I only used a FQ for binding, cut to 1.5" and using the Clover bias maker in 3/4" size (the red one), so over all a very scrappable or all new fabrics pattern, both would work awesome!




For another layout/look check out Sara's over at Sew Sweetness! She's a sweety for sure and her version is like I had imagined mine to begin with but I didn't want to get in trouble so was careful to follow the pattern placements.



And to encourage some new ones  All Charm Packs will be 20% off at Fat Quarter Shop from Monday morning until Sunday at midnight CST

The pattern is easy, pretty quick, and depending on the colours you choose will look really different, or in one or two colour families even. When I looked at the instructions I actually thought of stained glass windows, the abstract/mostly vertical strips kind, but I don't see it as much with the red. 
A great way to use up charm packs, especially ones from the same designer but different lines, would make this quilt even more interesting, and you could of course choose more than one solid as well.

And because Chelsey is always on top of things over at FQS I have all sorts of images/graphics to show! YAY!




  This one in Sphere, which may be one of my all time favorites, really makes me want to make another! This was the colour combo I wanted originally but it hadn't hit shops yet. I also would love to see it in Plum Sweet with a cream or mauve background.


So looks like fun doesn't it? 

Tell me, are you a stash shopper or always up for some pretty and new? Got tips on either?

Monday, December 16, 2013

non quilting post. PTSD and anxiety

As someone with complex/multi event PTSD and an anxiety disorder I get my side of it but it's hard to share how to help, especially in the middle of a flashback or attack.
I saw this article has some good points and appropriate caveats, aka touch is good except when it isn't. So here you go.

PS I sewed! I made skirt! Post coming soon!

Monday, December 9, 2013

Reasons I shouldn't sew blocks at different times

As you can see I had sewn one group of blocks together with the colour placement messed up. I'm trying to decide whether to leave it, break apart & use the 2 orphan blocks I found to create a finished block in each colour way (the middle ones would look right basically & L-R would mirror) or to make some more blocks (assuming I can find the yellows which I can't currently)/

Always lot's of choices!

Don't forget tomorrow night, Tues 9pmET, is #talknt  and #talknt2 is Wed from 3-4pmET, 8pmGMT.
Chat quilting, meet some new people and maybe win a prize!

Saturday, December 7, 2013

I've sewn!

So I've actually done some sewing in the last few weeks. Before this the only work I'd done in a long while has been handwork, none of which is finished.

 But I have sewn for the sake of sewing! I'm thrilled with this because it really did let me relax in a way I haven't for a long time. Creating for the sake of creating with pretty fabrics that make me happy and warm feeling.























I don't know what I'm going to do with these but it will be for no reason but to make me feel like I'm creating beauty and positive energy.
I will post more about how I made them using the Sizzix Big Shot and what fusible I've finally found that I can't mess up most of the time! You can see from the light blue it is still possible to destroy but you have to really overheat, which of course I did.

I've also started work on a quilt that was supposed to be made a year ago for my inlaws. I hate that I haven't had it done for them before now but I do like having something to work on that will be appreciated. My inlaws, especially my father-in-law Sam, really appreciate and love quilting, (and think everything I do is awesome!) as it was part of both their lives growing up in a poor town in Appalachia. You can see one of the many reasons I adore them.

This is a version of my Twilight pattern using Indigo Crossing by Minnik & Simpson for Moda. Twilight was available as a PDF at Fat Quarter Shop but it seems to be missing now, but you can still get it over on PatternSpot.

And I'm posting

  I've written hundreds of post since I last posted, at least in my head, but none have made me feel ok coming back.

 A lot has happened in the last 2 years, and for the very large majority it has been not great to plain terrible and painful.

I'm not ready to share all that much as I'm simply not mentally up to rehashing it thoroughly enough that I feel I would have to do to fully explain and give context. I don't know if I will.
But I do know I want to move away from a way of dealing that is essentially a paralyzing anxiety reaction, constantly like a deer caught in headlights.

I've also had a massive amount of health upheavals, including the most recent, I've had 4 Dr/hospital diagnosed since I was 18, TIA (aka mini stroke), or something else that healed enough to hide on scans, since it took me 2 weeks of thinking I one of the worst migraines ever from the flight home from Houston in October.
 Again I don't really want to share too many details because honestly it makes me feel like I'm whining or complaining and I've spent too much of my life being shamed for my craptacular health that I cannot help but wanting to hold things closer.

 It is very hard to write a quilt blog when things have coincided to keep me either unable financially, physically, emotionally or time-wise to sew. My short term memory and any sense of time is gone.

 I've got back into the sewing room in the last few weeks and I hope it keeps up.

One of the big things I'm doing is only working on things I like/want to. I need to get back to where quilting is my therapy, not my stress.

 I have been doing Talkin Tuesdays, my quilting chat, over on twitter still and I've even added a second chat, #talknt2, on Wednesdays at 3pm ET (8pmGMT) for those who can't make the original Tuesday chat (#talknt) at 9pmET.
I love these chats and the connection to other quilters. We chat fabric, technique, really anything related to sewing/quilting, and have a lot of fun. Many people have met good friends through the chat and I really couldn't be prouder of that fact.
Join in if you haven't yet one time. It really is a great connection.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Talkin Tuesday giveaway FQ bundle of Honeysweet from Fat Quarter Shop!

So what do you post when it some how manages to be six months since you abandoned your blog?

Well I haven't figured that out yet, it's coming, but slowly.

I did want to let you know that until 11pmET tonight you have a chance at a FQ bundle of Fig Tree Quilt's Honeysweet from Fat Quarter Shop over on Talkin Tuesdays!